PuZZled

After the realization of that fact every now nd then all the time ij ust let it go……i dont confront,i dont ask for explanations,i dont bring it up.i tried alot to read between the lines of my heart but i cudnt get to ny conclusions that y dont i talk abt it nd make things clear. Dont know is it love that i dont bring it up up so not to embarrass the person or is it my ‘mujburi’ that now all my life i have to live by it or is it patience or is it hope for the better days or is it acceptance of the fact, its difficult to decide that which of the options is true.

i cant make it out that talking abt it wud make things more difficult or make it easier for me to breath at the end of the day.At this point i cant even go for ny decisions,the very decisive ones as ive already seen the after effects.

 

the STRONGER sex

The other day i was just thinking that y do v have a common perception abt men that they are supposed to be strong,they are not to CRY in ny way,they cant have tears in their eyes,y m i always surprised to see tears in a man’s eye?….ya they r strong,valiant nd brave but still..keeping this in mind that r not to cry they dont…though ive seen men around me crying on different occasions…

Aint they human…dont they hav emotions..dont they have sentiments…..feel happiness,anger,loneliness,sorrow,doesnt their heart do faster on unexpected happening then y tears r unknown to them…y cant they CRY in public…ive asked this question to a couple of ppl that “do men cry?” but i didnt get ny satisfactory answers.

dont know if its making ny sense or not…..i think not.

 

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Even if u don’t belong to the place nymore where uve spent 23 years of ur entire life, but u still feel ur presence needed, u still sense ur place vacant, u still find that vacume exist which was created as soon as u left that place, u still find that the ppl there still need ur services, though uve left that place forever but still u see that the place is unfilled and things, tasks, operations u used to perform previously are as is it dependent on u, there s no one else to take care of those operations. And now that ur no more a part of that world u cant do much to fill that void, u cant help it as much as u want, u cant play the music as u want it. U just live watching them making themselves agree to the situation without u, watch them try to make things happen without u somehow.
U migrate from one place to another forever, u start living a new happy life, u take all ur accessories with u, u celebrate all this by choice, u prepare ursself for the days ahead ecstatically BUT still u leave behind a lot of sad hearts nd faces, a lot of eyes watery, a lot of eyes waiting for ur next visit, a lot of tasks pending waiting for ur attention, u leave behind friends waiting for ur 2 hrs long fone calls, u leave behind sisters missing the deafening laughter, u leave behind ur beloved dad who now stays awake after fajir prayers as ur supposed to arrive som time in the morn to be the first one to greet u, u leave behind ur mother who now keeps asking u “kia khao gi”……u leave behind ur brothers who ask the same question every time u arrive even before salam dua “kitne din k liye aai ho”…….
U just feel helpless now that ur being sent to the other side of the boundary and the most dearest ppl in the world stand on the other side with their arms open waiting for ur arrival every single moment of the month.

 

Self confidence LOST

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Me: tell me wat shud I do with the “abc” problem im in,m stuck, don’t know wat to decide, nd where to lead?????

Her: do u still blv in my opinions nd decisions, now that ive lost everything I had, I had been a failure?????

Me: wat do u mean?how does it matter to me if uve lost things u had or circumstances turned out to be a failure 4 u..ur still the same to me, som 1 ive always relied on, had faith in, believed in more than my own self, ur still the same for me…….the same buddy whom I always considered to be more wise nd clever than my own self. If I had not faith in u, y I wud have asked u the query I was stuk with, coz I found u 2b the best person who cud take me out of the problem I am goin through.

FRendship has to be unconditional,with out bounds and limits. No mater wat the circumstances nd emotional situation be, the bond stays the same. Money, property, relationships have no affects of it on the never ending love nd bond two ppl share for the last 8 years or so. The only thing that matters is the togetherness nd the feeling of being available for each other. though i knew wat trauma uve been through but ur still the same for me. It does not matter to me that some relationship in ur life came to an end or wat so ever……ur the ultimate energy saver to me:)

 

Aitebar bhi aa hi jaiga

At times som happenings in life just snatch the carpet under ur feet nd u fell with ur face down on the ground,wich indicates ur hurt very badly.and ur hurt even more hard wen ur not expecting such a thing to happen.

Som one u blv in so blindly that ud even falsify wat uve seen with ur own eyes stabs u in ur bak with such an indecent activity wich involves u indirectly nd hurts u directly…..wat shud one do then?.No matter how hard u may try again,can u trust in the person again with out having doubts in ur heart,can the crack in the mirror be mend again with the same perfection?and a person like wud think wat shud i do with the immense amount if faith i had in that person..its all gone…lost it is……i wud get worried about having the first state of the relationship…..i wud want it bak again,wich mite not b possible to get the clean nd white relation bak…wen its gone…its gone.it will never be the same.

shud the person be trusted again..keeping in mind the sort of relationship u have…nd the importance of that person?dont know…cant figure it out…..m stuk.

 

FragilE

Ive been scared for the last 20 days or so.The news was so shocking that i cudnt not believe it,even som one else had given me the news i wud never have accepted it as true but unfortunately i was present all by myself over there.m shattered nd very deeply hurt.the whole scenario is as such that i cud not ever think of it happening.later on any body around me who heard the news was like “wat?,kesi baaten ker rahi ho?,r u in ur senses?”,dont tell me,mazaaq mutt karo”…every one was eyes wide open nd ended up in crying hysterically.

i had seen divorces,i had heard of divorces happening but i never had felt the disastrous effects it cud have on som 1,prolly coz it didnt happen to ny one too close to me.but this time it struck a person whom i consider a part of my own soul,my strength……som one who used to buck me up was her self torn and traumatized that day wen i met her.nd i didnt not even have words to heal the damage.

Just a single piece of paper demolished the 100 storied building of dreams,faded the smile away,changed the perception of life,colors appeared grey;life made meaningless,plans to celebrate the first anniversary the next month…..allllllll being knocked down.

is this relationship so fragile nd delicate that u can throw it in the dust bin within seconds?u do every thing for the person,luv him selflessly nd u get this as a reward….m scared,m too scared.every time this incident comes to my mind it shakes me inside out.for one moment it even gave me a warning aswell(wich was wrong of me to think like that) but still it does come to u in that manner….wat if????

i wish i cud undo the damage made…but i cant.i pray nd again i pray harder to give her patience nd strength to pass through this phase with courage nd bravery as she already is a spirited soul.
😦

 

RE-starting the game

So here im…..restarting blogging after a long time….leaving blogspot nd using wordpress now….probably for a change.i write to express watever is in my heart n most of it is the stuff wich i cant really say to ny one.i need a particular mood to write else if m not in the mood i cant even conceive the idea.i hope i continue writing here n i find it fun as in the past.